The first time seeing him after a month passed was overwhelming. So overwhelming my skin turned white as a ghost. I sat down trying to catch my breath as the room started to fade and instantly I felt nauseous. I didn’t know what was happening to me as I sat there trying to regain strength as my emotions came out physically. My brain could not comprehend what was happening and I couldn’t understand what I was seeing. I was watching a life, slowly fade away.
Throughout all of this I was believing and praying because I serve a God who is bigger, I serve a God who is greater, I serve a God who does miracles, I serve a God who does the impossible. So there I was, praying for a miracle, praying that God would bring healing, praying that God would do the impossible... praying for my dad to live a healthy life.
One day at a time, there seemed to be progress yet, as the days went by, more news would come and the outcome didn’t look so good. But I continued to believe that there was going to be that miracle. I continued to pray that God was going to heal. It seemed as though my dad was getting better and I was so thankful and had high hopes! But those high hopes soon came crashing down.
That morning will be a morning I’ll never forget. Seeing my father so helpless, seeing his body slowly fading, seeing my mother’s heart broken and in pain, and hearing the doctors say, “There is nothing left we can do, the tumour has taken over his brain.” My body outbursting in a furious rage, tears streaming down my face, pacing back and forth not knowing what to do, saying no a dozen times followed by why. I don’t understand God, you are a God who answers prayer, a God who does the impossible, a God who heals, why is this happening?
Phone call after phone call that morning and afternoon was made letting friends and family know what was going on. Unsure when the last moments we have left to be with my dad. Yet through those calls, there was a little source of light saying, “Don’t loose hope in God.”
A couple hours later, my dad passed away, leaving behind his four daughters and wonderful wife. Grief hits... hard. Reality sinks in. Unsure of what to do because a piece of the family is missing. Confused because you want to continue on with life, but emotions are running wild. Dealing with denial, anger, depression is difficult to go through when you want to move on with life.
This past year I had so many questions circling this one word why. Searching and searching not understanding why this would have to happen, why prayers weren't being answered and why God took my dad away. Why was the word of the year.
This unanswered question started to turn into frustration which then turned into anger. So much anger that I contemplated my relationship with God and began to wonder if He was even there. My light was starting to dim and depression started to take over because I was so angry. Yet, "don't loose hope in God" was etched in my mind.
There I would be, throwing rocks in a lake screaming at God, saying its not fair. The pain hurt so much because I just wanted to hear my dads voice and see his face again. I felt shattered, and my broken pieces scattered yet, the voice came back saying "don't loose hope in God."
For no one is abandoned by the Lord forever. Though he bring grief, he also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love. For he does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow.
Lamentations 3:31-33
As I read these words, tears streaming from my face, I began to realize that God was hurting while I was hurting. He didn't want to cause sorrow in my life, my families life and to the lives my dad had affected. God was crying with me, and showing me His love, even when I was angry at him. God is not a God who enjoys hurting people.
You are perfect in all of your ways. That was difficult for me to sing. How can God be perfect when he took my dad away from me? Then remembered scripture read at my dads funeral. I realized at that very moment, He took my dad away for a reason that is unknown to me. That maybe if he was still alive, something worse could happen than a brain tumour. My selfish ways were consuming my mind, treating God as if He were a magic genie to have my prayers come true, not seeing the full picture because my mind cannot fathom Gods mind and plan.
It was at that moment I realized that He is perfect in all of His ways and accepting the unknown and surrendering it to Him. Telling Him that I trust His plans; trusting His perfection. Slowly surrendering my anger and asking for forgiveness.
As you call me deeper still into love, love, love. Gods love is not shallow, his love is deep. He wants me to go deeper, wants me to trust Him, wants me to have hope in Him because He loves me. He understands the pain because He sent His ONE and ONLY Son on the cross to DIE for OUR sin. How painful is that, sending your one and only son to die for the world? But He did it because thats how much he loves us!
You're a good good Father.
For everything there is a season,
a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
As this was read at my dads funeral, I was reminded that we go through all these different seasons for a reason. There is a time for people to be born and a reason why they’re born and there is a time for people to die and a reason why they die. For every time there is a reason, but there will be those times when we don’t understand the reason.
I believe that in those times we need to realize that God understands the hurt and will care for us and love us. That in those seasons of trying to find the reasons, we need to have hope in God because it will eventually be revealed in His timing, not ours. That’s why I continue to have hope in God.
I still have moments where I grieve, some days I get angry, some days I face depression and some days I feel numb. God hasn’t made me perfect from this time, God is slowly healing the areas that need to be healed. Through this difficult year, I continue to hope in God because I know that no matter what I go through, He will never abandon me and will pour his unending love upon me because He understands.
My dad has impacted my life in many different ways and it is hard to continue on without him. I wish he was still here but I continue to hold onto the memories we shared together.
I miss you dad...
