A year without my dad...

I remember the florescent lighting and the long hallways. I remember the beeping machines, the telephone rings, the gowns and the gloves. I remember the clock ticking as we waited... I remember that week I was in the hospital.

The first time seeing him after a month passed was overwhelming. So overwhelming my skin turned white as a ghost. I sat down trying to catch my breath as the room started to fade and instantly I felt nauseous. I didn’t know what was happening to me as I sat there trying to regain strength as my emotions came out physically. My brain could not comprehend what was happening and I couldn’t understand what I was seeing. I was watching a life, slowly fade away.

Throughout all of this I was believing and praying because I serve a God who is bigger, I serve a God who is greater, I serve a God who does miracles, I serve a God who does the impossible. So there I was, praying for a miracle, praying that God would bring healing, praying that God would do the impossible... praying for my dad to live a healthy life.

One day at a time, there seemed to be progress yet, as the days went by, more news would come and the outcome didn’t look so good. But I continued to believe that there was going to be that miracle. I continued to pray that God was going to heal. It seemed as though my dad was getting better and I was so thankful and had high hopes! But those high hopes soon came crashing down.

That morning will be a morning I’ll never forget. Seeing my father so helpless, seeing his body slowly fading, seeing my mother’s heart broken and in pain, and hearing the doctors say, “There is nothing left we can do, the tumour has taken over his brain.” My body outbursting in a furious rage, tears streaming down my face, pacing back and forth not knowing what to do, saying no a dozen times followed by why. I don’t understand God, you are a God who answers prayer, a God who does the impossible, a God who heals, why is this happening?

Phone call after phone call that morning and afternoon was made letting friends and family know what was going on. Unsure when the last moments we have left to be with my dad. Yet through those calls, there was a little source of light saying, “Don’t loose hope in God.”

A couple hours later, my dad passed away, leaving behind his four daughters and wonderful wife. Grief hits... hard. Reality sinks in. Unsure of what to do because a piece of the family is missing. Confused because you want to continue on with life, but emotions are running wild. Dealing with denial, anger, depression is difficult to go through when you want to move on with life.

This past year I had so many questions circling this one word why. Searching and searching not understanding why this would have to happen, why prayers weren't being answered and why God took my dad away. Why was the word of the year.

This unanswered question started to turn into frustration which then turned into anger. So much anger that I contemplated my relationship with God and began to wonder if He was even there. My light was starting to dim and depression started to take over because I was so angry. Yet, "don't loose hope in God" was etched in my mind.

There I would be, throwing rocks in a lake screaming at God, saying its not fair. The pain hurt so much because I just wanted to hear my dads voice and see his face again. I felt shattered, and my broken pieces scattered yet, the voice came back saying "don't loose hope in God."

For no one is abandoned by the Lord forever. Though he bring grief, he also shows compassion because of the greatness of his unfailing love. For he does not enjoy hurting people or causing them sorrow. 

Lamentations 3:31-33

As I read these words, tears streaming from my face, I began to realize that God was hurting while I was hurting. He didn't want to cause sorrow in my life, my families life and to the lives my dad had affected. God was crying with me, and showing me His love, even when I was angry at him. God is not a God who enjoys hurting people.

You are perfect in all of your ways. That was difficult for me to sing. How can God be perfect when he took my dad away from me? Then remembered scripture read at my dads funeral. I realized at that very moment, He took my dad away for a reason that is unknown to me. That maybe if he was still alive, something worse could happen than a brain tumour. My selfish ways were consuming my mind, treating God as if He were a magic genie to have my prayers come true, not seeing the full picture because my mind cannot fathom Gods mind and plan.

It was at that moment I realized that He is perfect in all of His ways and accepting the unknown and surrendering it to Him. Telling Him that I trust His plans; trusting His perfection. Slowly surrendering my anger and asking for forgiveness.

As you call me deeper still into love, love, love. Gods love is not shallow, his love is deep. He wants me to go deeper, wants me to trust Him, wants me to have hope in Him because He loves me. He understands the pain because He sent His ONE and ONLY Son on the cross to DIE for OUR sin. How painful is that, sending your one and only son to die for the world? But He did it because thats how much he loves us!

You're a good good Father.

For everything there is a season, 
a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest. 
A time to kill and a time to heal. 
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh. 
A time to grieve and a time to dance. 
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones. 
A time to embrace and a time to turn away. 
A time to search and a time to quit searching. 
A time to keep and a time to throw away. 
A time to tear and a time to mend. 
A time to be quiet and a time to speak. 
A time to love and a time to hate. 
A time for war and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

As this was read at my dads funeral, I was reminded that we go through all these different seasons for a reason. There is a time for people to be born and a reason why they’re born and there is a time for people to die and a reason why they die. For every time there is a reason, but there will be those times when we don’t understand the reason.

I believe that in those times we need to realize that God understands the hurt and will care for us and love us. That in those seasons of trying to find the reasons, we need to have hope in God because it will eventually be revealed in His timing, not ours. That’s why I continue to have hope in God.

I still have moments where I grieve, some days I get angry, some days I face depression and some days I feel numb. God hasn’t made me perfect from this time, God is slowly healing the areas that need to be healed. Through this difficult year, I continue to hope in God because I know that no matter what I go through, He will never abandon me and will pour his unending love upon me because He understands.

My dad has impacted my life in many different ways and it is hard to continue on without him. I wish he was still here but I continue to hold onto the memories we shared together.

I miss you dad...

Lent 2014

I was reminded that lent is happening this week. A time where you pick something to fast for 40 days. I never really did the whole lent thing when I was a child because I didn’t really know about it. I remember I had a friend who asked me one day, “What are you giving up for lent?” Umm… say what? What’s that? “Well its when you give something up and until Easter.” Say what? I was really intrigued by it but I only thought that it was a Catholic thing because my friend went to a Catholic church and my family didn’t really do anything about lent because we went to the United church. It wasn’t really mentioned in the United church to “give up something” until Easter. Unless I wasn’t really listening…

I remember one year I decided to pick something that I was going to give up. I picked chocolate because that’s what my friend chose too. Funny thing was, I didn’t last long - no surprise there! Being a kid who loves chocolate I only lasted about a week - which I think is really good. The worst part was, whats going to happen to me if I was going to eat the chocolate and broke the fast? I honestly thought I was going to go to hell if God found out plus I also thought I was going to be in big trouble if my friend found out!

I laugh when I look back at it, but I was so confused and didn’t know any better. I just thought it was this deal that you made with God and if you messed up - you in trouble! But I understood it more when I did my first fast. I was going through a book called “A Call to Die” and it was a 40 day fasting journey. It was a very personal heart tugging book and I recommend it to every one!

This book showed me what it was like to be in a personal relationship with God and how to discipline yourself, for 40 days. It made me realize, once I was done, how much I have consumed myself into this world and how I am not consumed in with my relationship with God. I fasted Facebook for 40 days and I remember going back on, I didn’t understand what the point of Facebook was. It also felt wrong and that it was a huge waste of time. I realized that I had an addiction with a worldly pleasure and not an addiction with my Father from above.

I was reminded this weekend that lent was happening and it was a time to fast until Easter. I have been giving it some thought these past couple of days, whether I should do it or not, and I thought it was a great opportunity this year for many reasons, which I am not going to list. I then was thinking of what to fast. Something that I do on a daily basis that sucks away all my time *DING* FACEBOOK! It has been a toss up back and forth on to completely get off Facebook for those 40 days because I actually use Facebook for work and for ministry and to cut off that line for 40 days is a challenge for me.

But I came to a compromise. I have decided that being on Facebook for only 1 hour is efficient. When you think about it, 1 hour is a lot of time and enough. 1 hour is the same amount of time it takes to get from my house to Winnipeg. It feels long to drive to Winnipeg but when I am online it feels like 5 minutes.

This year, lent is going to be more different for me. I will have a lot of extra time to dive deeper in the Word, deeper in my relationship and deeper in prayer. I also feel my heart tugging towards my church. I feel as though this is a time to pray and focus on my church; to pray for the people, to pray for the ministries, to pray for my pastor and leaders and to pray for anything else that may come in its direction.

This year lent will be focused on self, God and church. I encourage you to fast something that distracts you, something that you go on everyday and see how that will change your life and how much more free time you have on your hands.

Are you willing to kill the thing that takes your time away from God?

#Verse2014

It’s been a long while since I posted something on my blog… Yeah, been a very long while but I haven’t really forgotten about my blog though. I have written some posts but they have been a challenge for me to complete and to finish writing… Well that's pretty much what most of my life is like - I can start projects but can never really finish them or it takes a very long while to finish. Yes folks, I am what you call a procrastinator but I digress.

I was inspired by a verse just yesterday and I wanted to share and hopefully encourage you in this new year of two-oh-four-teen ;)

Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. 
~ Matthew 7:7 (NLT)

I felt, after reading this verse, that God is giving me this verse for this year. He is giving me this verse for encouragement, for determination, to trust, to seek, and to never give up. Let me tell you that there are things in my life that I just don’t really know what to do about. I feel as though I am stuck in the middle of a four way stop with four different directions to chose from (maybe more or less) and I just don’t know where to go, what to do or how to go about it. I feel as though I am in a season where I just don’t really know what to do - like a 20-something mid-life crisis (just being a touch over dramatic if you can’t tell). But this 20-something doesn’t know what to do...

"I don’t know" is actually a line I use quite a lot in order to think things through a little more or just not wanting to deal with things. But there are times where I just don’t know. When I look back, I didn’t know that I was going to end up being in Bible College, I didn’t know what it was going to be like. I knew I was going to Thailand, but I didn’t know what it was going to be like there. I didn’t know that I was going to the Yukon and I didn’t know that I was going to live in Manitoba. I didn’t know these things and I didn’t know what to expect. But the funny thing is when I didn’t know where I was going, how I was going to get there or what to expect- I did it anyway. I felt if it is where God has wanted me to go, I was obedient and just did it.

The thing is this time is that I don’t know what to do now. There are many different directions in my life but I am in the “I don’t know” season and its a season that speaks for itself. But one thing that I am learning is that if you don’t know, seek God. Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and the door will open.

There are many different opportunities for me in this new year like there were in the previous years but one thing that I am trying to learn is seek God first and be obedient to what He wants you to do. Not what your family, relatives, friends or even (dare I go there) you want to do because we have to remind ourselves that He is the one who is in control.

So I encourage you in this new year to find a verse that is challenging or a verse that God has placed on your heart and have that as #Verse2014. A verse you will see 365 days this year, a verse that you will meditate once a week or once a month, a verse that is a reminder when you are going through difficult, dry, challenging seasons. Its a challenge I am trying to live out more than three days and more than one month, to see where God really will take me in 2014. He has taken me to great lengths years past and I am super excited, scared, nervous, stoked, and willing to do what He wants me to do.

Here’s to God’s word, God’s timing, God’s leading, and seeking God! #Verse2014

Thanks a bunch God!

I think we all go through stages of our lives where we just want things. Sometimes we want more money, or more gadgets, or more twiddily things to make our collection complete. We want things to make us happy, right?!

This month is a very significant month for me this year. This time last year was the very time that I took what I had, packed my bags, and went on a jet plane. Not knowing if I’ll be back again. Well actually knowing that I will not be back again because God had a calling on my life. It was time for me to leave home and make a new home.

It amazes me of what God has done in my life in a year and quite frankly, He has done amazing things! When I first stepped in Teulon, I didn’t have my own place to live. No, I didn’t live in a box; I lived in a basement with a family who welcomed me with warm and comforting arms. I found a part-time job, which then gave me my own place to live. Even when I still didn’t have a lot of finances to get a lot of the things I needed, God kept on providing for me and took care of me with amazing love! I then had to step out in faith and quit my job 5 months later because it was a distraction, I wasn’t happy and I was miserable. Scariest thing I have ever done in my life but God proved to be there for me and provided an open door to two jobs! One of which got me my teaching papers and brought me into the schools and another which allowed me to work full-time for the summer!

But when I look at the past year, did I get everything right away? No! I wanted to have everything, to have my life in order, to have my plan under control but it didn’t work out the way I wanted it to. I had to play the waiting game.

There were so many things that I wanted. I wanted those things to make my life easy, to make my life happy but when I received those things, I wanted more!

A couple of days ago I was reminded to be thankful, which reminded me of a blog I wrote last year: We get so caught up in today’s new and better things that we forget to be thankful for what we have and to be thankful for what God has provided us with. We have to realize and remember that God is our provider and it is all in His timing.

It is so true! And as I sit here just wanting more, there is a reason I don’t have the things I want therefore, shouldn’t I be thankful?? Just stop and look at all you have – shouldn’t you be thankful for that? In the seasons of waiting – shouldn’t we press into God because maybe He wants more of us? Shouldn’t we look for God because maybe He is waiting for us?

There are many things that I don’t have in my life (like a HUGE TONKA TRUCK ;) ) but I am thankful. Even though I really really want it now, I am thankful because I know God is looking out for me and will give me what I need when I need it.

In those times of wanting and waiting, be thankful for what God has already blessed you with and cherish His giving! Seek Him because maybe He is waiting and wanting more of you. 

Life is Fragile

I am reminded this past weekend on how precious our lives are. How in a moment or instant we can be gone. Just with a snap of our fingers one person has probably passed away in this world. We hear statistics like: every minute that passes some one had died from AIDS, 1 in 4 babies will die from something really common – note these are made up statistics. But you get my point right? As I am writing this blog there may have been 10 people who have died right now in this world. I’m not saying its statistically correct or true but just think about it…

Some of us look at this and say wow, that is crazy then move on with life. Some of us will look at it and want to make a difference in the world and create a cause or awareness. Some of us will just stop and take time to pray.

But death really affects us when it happens to a family member, a family friend, someone we work with, someone who we see everyday. When it does we become sad. We go through the grieving stages and then slowly, painfully move on in life. We have to because we cannot bring that person back to this earth – no matter how hard we try, its impossible.

I realized though how precious our lives were when I found out that a girl I worked with at a previous job just passed away. I was in total shock and in total disbelief. I couldn’t believe what was going on – to know that someone who is younger than I is gone in just an instant. But this gave me flashbacks of the horrific phone calls I got 4 years ago this coming September, phone calls that rocked my life.

The first phone call was from my roommate’s mom, telling me that there was a car accident and my sister was involved. There were 3 other girls in the car and they were all rushed to the hospital unknowing of the conditions but it was a bad accident. I hung up the phone and prayed. I prayed that God would keep them safe and that everyone in the car would be safe and okay. That everyone would be alive. As tears were rolling down my face the second phone call came and it was my dad. He tells me my sister was all right but her best friend died, her best friend who I worked with for the entire summer and was gone. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t want to hear it. I thought everything was fake. And as my dad and I hung up the phone I screamed to the top of my lungs “WHY HER GOD!” “WHY!”

I was mad, I was frustrated, I was in denial, I was upset with God. I just didn’t understand why. She was a good kid, she was an amazing woman, why her?

Which brings me back to this weekend – Why her God?

We will never understand the reasons why. We will never understand why the people we love; the people we know leave us. We never will get the answers we are looking for.  

I was really thinking this weekend about the young girls family. What they are going through and I just cannot imagine what it is like to know that a loved one is not going to walk through those doors again, to not say another ‘hello’ or an ‘I love you’ ever again. It almost happened to my family and tears roll down my face to ever think that I could have lost a sister.

We can never imagine what a family goes through when they lose a loved one, which brings me back to our lives being so precious.

We look at life and we sometimes, or most of the time, take it for granted. We do what we want and don’t have a care in the world what we do in this world. As long as we are living we are okay. But should we really take life for granted? Or live life to the fullest?

Shouldn’t we live a life where we do the best we can everyday to bring glory to God. To make Him happy for what we are doing in this world. In my view of life we should do what we can to bring people to God so that people can see how much He loves us. To make a difference in people’s lives, helping them through the struggles and the hardships. Making a difference in this world and showing that there are people who care and best of all that there is a God that cares for us.

Death is such a hard topic because it is so painful but a question that I have challenged myself with this weekend is:

“Do you want to live a life where people will remember what you did and will leave an impact in this world when you are gone?”

or

“Do you want to live a life that you just wasted and not leave a mark in this world?”

God wants me to dream big and I will continue to dream big and do what I can for Him each and every day. I will thank Him for a new day and do the best I can for Him everyday. This is just another reminder (even though it is sad) to live our lives to the fullest and give Him everything we’ve got each and every day. Know that through these sad times in our lives that God will comfort you and will always be there for you.

Cherish the moments, cherish the days and most of all cherish your life.

Home is Ontario

As I sit here, in the booth that was difficult to get when it was exam time, wondering if I should get another cup of coffee with espresso and looking around at the beautiful pictures hung up at my favourite little coffee shop, I begin to remember what things were like 5 years ago when I first entered this place then 6 years ago when I first lived in this city. 

Well may as well grab a second cup cause I'm on vacation! Need to spoil myself sometime as I wait for a friend and feel inspiration to write. The same inspiration I had when I came here to write papers and to get my assignments done. When I needed a new setting and needed to just get further away and get exercise. Needing something different than Starbucks. Yes, I love little coffee/study places and my alone time right now!

Coming back to my "home grounds" is an interesting feeling. Every time I come home I have a weird feeling inside and expect things never change. But as time goes on things do change. When I go back and see the people I left, its like we never left. Just the type of person I am I guess. Whenever I leave or when a friend leaves me, we are still friends! We may not stay in contact as well but when we get together face to face, its like we never left each other. It's one of the things that I love about my friends. They never hold grudges about not staying in contact that well when we are apart. 

Its been 2 years since I have actually visited Thunder Bay. I have come here and there, but hasn't been a time to actually stop and visit again. Coming back and reconnecting after 2 years - a lot has changed. To me it's crazy but at the same time feels right. It feels right for me to just visit. It feels right that I am not meant to be here. It feels right to move on in life and not be stuck in a place where I wanted to be.

When I first moved here - 6 years ago in September I was content and loved Thunder Bay - still do. As the years went by, I was actually feeling content to the point of actually staying in Thunder Bay for the rest of my life. But as I continued, God didn't want me to stay and having the obedience and adventure side I had, I wanted to go. Even though I am horrible with good-byes and get attached easily I knew it was right for me to go and I am glad that I did.

As I sit here in this coffee place, I remember the conversations and the relaxing/inspiration times I would have. As I drive around the city, I remember the memories and the grounds I stomped on. The places I lived, the places I adventured, the places where I had fun. These were the fun, memorable times of my life and looking back to the past allows me to play-back the videos of memories that flood my mind. 

6 years ago, I started a new chapter and finished it within 4 years. I started another chapter and finished that within one year and again started another chapter not too long ago. I don't know when God will finish this new chapter but it makes me realize, when I look back, where He has brought me and am so happy that I took the courage to listen and obey Him. Even when things seemed crazy and scary, I know great things will happen. 

Just like great things happened 6 years ago, 1 year ago and even a week ago! I feel as though when I come back to my "home grounds", I realize things change - myself included, but I also realize where God has brought me. I see the big picture and the lessons through those chapters. I see how God works through me in those chapters and how He has used me. It is an encouragement to me to continue, follow and pursue Him because theres going to be greater and better things to come. The past was what taught me, the future is what is to come and the present is the adventure. 

One hour is only 4% of your day...

I have been trying to live healthier, start running and workout routines. I am doing this "healthy life style" because I want to become healthy not because I want to look beautiful, because I know I am, but my goal is health not beauty.

The challenge that I have with this new lifestyle is that it is difficult to stay consistent. I don't know about you but I don't make New Year Resolutions anymore. I do Month Resolutions. Almost every month I set a goal and try to achieve it but most of the time it never happens. It's rare to see success. For example, I had a goal that for one month I would stop eating meat and eat more vegetables. The first week goes well and then the second week I found meat on my plate (how did that get there?) I tend to get into this habit of stopping things for a while then picking it up the next couple of weeks then stopping then starting up again. Every time I tell myself, "This time is gonna be different, this time you're going to succeed and feel GREAT!" 3 days later, "I'm tired, I'll do it tomorrow..." and it never happens. I just get so busy with other things that this becomes a continuous cycle I hate! I am sure you understand and have gone though similar situations. 

I did a little bit of googling about New Year Resolutions and not surprisingly "Losing Weight" was #1 on the list. What was interesting though was 45% of people usually make New Year's Resolutions and 8% of people are successful in achieving their resolution. Here is something else I found - 75% of people maintained their resolution through the first week. In the past two weeks 71%, past month 64%, and past six months 46%. But then I read an inspirational quote on Pinterest that really grabbed me.

"A one hour workout is 4% of your day. No Excuses!"

OUCH! This really hurt! Why? Try substitute God instead of workout.

"One hour with God is 4% of your day. No Excuses!"

OH-HO-HO BURN!

I always try to make a goal to spend more time with God but then it ends up as a New Month Resolution. There have been moments in my life where I have done well - spending time everyday and creating a routine and lasts for a while but then a busy season comes and everything gets shattered! My routine gets thrown off and I just live life on my own.

One hour with God is 4% of your day. I was really thinking about it this week. 4% is not a whole lot but it feels like it is forever when we spend that hour in the midst of our busy lives. We get caught up being busy that we either don't think of spending time with God or don't want to do it. In my opinion, and don't take offence but, sometimes some of us treat our time with God as a chore more than a relationship - ouch...

At the end of the day we feel so exhausted and just wanna do nothin! We spend our time to relax by reading a book while instead we can read the Word. We spend our time surfing the web when we should be surfing with God. We spend time updating, liking and commenting on other peoples status when we could be waiting for an update from God, liking what He has to say and commenting on His works! (Oh-ho-ho soo corney) I am not trying to make you feel guilty and make you feel as though you "have" to do this but I'm just telling the truth - this is reality. This is what happens in our busy day to day lives - we run the race and when we push too much our body can't handle it then CRASH, we fall!

"Don't you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize? So run to win! All athletes are disciplined in their training. They do it to win a prize that will fade away, but we do it for an eternal prize. So I run with purpose in every step. I am not just shadowboxing. I discipline my body like an athlete, training it to do what it should." ~ 1 Corinthians 9:24-27 (NLT)

Okay Sandra, we get the point. We must run the race and we must discipline ourselves. We must run to win and in order to get there we have to train and discipline and keep our eyes on the prize. Yes! but you do not have to race by yourself.

Think about this - Behind every athlete there is drive, there is strength, there is encouragement, there is discipline... Also behind every athlete there is a coach, there is a trainer, there is family and there is support.  Most of the time we don't realize who is behind every athlete. "Don't you realize that in a race everyone runs, but only one person gets the prize?" Everyone runs but that one person, the athlete, gets the prize - just something I see if you catch what I'm saying?

I sometimes think God gives us busy seasons because He wants us to realize that we don't have to go through it alone. I have been really thinking about it because this month has been an insane month for me. Things have been busy, exhausting and stressful at times making my healthy lifestyle and time with God not consistent as the way I feel it should. My goals are out the window and have been living this past month on my own. Feeling guilt of not spending time with God and not making the effort. Creating excuses because I am tired and because I treat it as a chore more than a relationship. I'm spending that 4% of my time to other wasteful things like stinking Facebook! When I look at my busy life, I have that 4% of my time available everyday. The thing is, I'm running this race alone. God wants me to let other people help me and for me to become more dependent when instead I SCREAM of independence. Its a challenge but in order to train and discipline yourself, you also need accountability, mentoring, and support.

As this blog has been a challenge for me to write, it will still be a challenge for me to continue with the lifestyles that I want to have. If you are feeling the same way and are in a similar situation it will still be a challenge for you as well. But I ask myself these questions to search and seek help to change myself (which will hopefully help or make you think).

Is one hour out of your busy lifestyle really going to hurt?

Are you running with purpose in every step?

Do you desire to be one of those 8% who succeeds? Or do you want to be the 25% of people who give up after one week?

Are you going to continue to do this alone or will you let God and others help?

Is your time with God going to be a chore or a working relationship?

Are you ready for change? Easy to say but harder to do. Are you ready to work hard?

It is easier to talk the talk than it is to walk the walk.

Know that when you fall, you always get back up again. Never give up so easily. Get back up and try and try again, its the best thing you can ever do in life.

To learn you must love discipline; it is stupid to hate correction 
~ Proverbs 12:1